I'm not sure what I'm doing.
I don't refer to questioning why I am in India, away from family, or how I will manage here. Though I do question these things, too. Rather, I am not sure what I am doing from moment to moment. Simple things, like: How will I move all these bags over the next few days? What should be in each bag (particularly since the gear-arrangements I made before leaving aren't working well)? What time should we get up? Even more trivial: Socks or no?
And, every few minutes: Where did I put ... ?
Today, I was reminded that I don't even know how to cross the street properly. Or use the telephone. Or tip.
I can't figure out how to turn on the television in our room. (Not to mention yesterday's safe fiasco, though at least C found that amusing.)
All these unanswered questions and doubts, inhibit my thinking about the things that will really matter. Though, perhaps that will be alright, also, as more-deliberate decision making hasn't helped recently, and patience and flexibility seem vitally important.
I suppose my doubts (and mistakes) are 'normal', but they don't feel so.
Still, we are very far from home. Nearly everything is different from what we expect. We are surrounded by millions of strangers, knowing only each other. A little uneasiness, plus a great deal clumsiness, and many, many mistakes are to be expected. Aren't they? They are, right?
On the other hand, we are both just fine, safe, well fed, with an excellent - if intermittent - internet connection.
3 comments:
Knowing you, I suspect a fair component of your inability to think is a lack of sleep. You left the country somewhat sleep-deprive, and I'm sure that you haven't magically been able to sleep better while there. But I think you will get into the swing of things, get some more normal sleep, and feel fresher and more in-command of your faculties.
I'm leaving for the airport soon for a week in London, but will be in touch while there.
Love always
Steve
I know the feeling. Sometimes the chaos is overwhelming. Moreover you've just gone from being a person with relatively well-defined tasks (feeding/clothing children, teaching classes, graphic design mumbo-jumbo ;)) to being completely aimless. This is something I had a lot of trouble with too. The way I got over this initial stress was by creating half a dozen or so "mini-tasks" to do every day to start to ease myself into the country. Getting a working phone. Learning where to by vegetables. Learning how to say a few token words in Hindi or Bengali.
Most likely you are going to make a ton of mistakes, get screwed over, feel hot and annoyed these next three weeks. Understanding that will make things a lot easier.
Much love,
Becky
Oh sweetie, that is so utterly and completely normal. Hell, I remember the first time I took the subway in London, unaware that I had to keep my ticket to put it through the turnstile when I got off. I had never HEARD of this. Who makes you do something on the way out? Certainly not New Yorkers. And this, mind you, was in a country where I at least in theory spoke the language. Of course, I had thrown my ticket away, I had no money to buy another one, I cried, I was 21 and cute, I was forgiven...Perhaps the moral here is to have Celia handle any pleadings for mercy.
On a totally different note, I saw a video yesterday that absolutely KILLED me not to be able to send to you. You will love it. Actually, Celia probably will, too. Go to YouTube, and look for a band called Ok, Go. The song you want is This Too Shall Pass.
It occurred to me that the company that built the....the thing is probably the company in the world you would most like to work for.
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